hannah help me! By Hannah Keeley

Cherish the Gift of a Loner Child Knows Her Own Social Needs

Q My six-year-old daughter is a loner and I don’t know what to do about it. She doesn’t even try to make friends and seems perfectly content to just sit by herself, quietly drawing or reading. I have tried to arrange play dates with other children, but she’s getting too old for that and it’s just completely awkward. Hannah, help me!
 
A Thank the good Lord we were all created differently. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same!
 
Your desire for your child to have friends is totally understandable. However, any attempts that you make to foster friendships may backfire, causing her to feel uncomfortable and also sending her signals that something is wrong with her current state.
 
Your daughter has a gift. Very few of us are comfortable with ourselves. We often need others to affirm us or make us feel accepted. She has the beautiful ability of accepting herself just the way she is. In your own words, she is “perfectly content.” She is content, which means that she is fulfilled and complete. And she is perfect—just the way God made her.
 
My suggestion is to continue the social circles, but don’t try to force anything. When the right person comes along, and she will, a friendship will bloom. Until then, love her just the way she is—perfect and content.
 
 
Q My teenage son is always plugged in to something. Either he is sitting in front of his computer or he’s playing video games or he’s walking around with his iPod in one hand and his earphones stuck in his head. I feel like I have to fight for his attention. And if given the choice, he would much rather stare at a screen than do any activities with his family. I miss him. Hannah, help me!
 
A You have a great question, one that many moms are dealing with these days. But I have a question for you. Who bought the computer? The game system? The ipod? My guess is that it was you.
 
As strange as it seems, many moms complain about the very situations that they create.
 
A mom of a toddler complains about her child throwing toys when she constantly runs and fetches them every time he does. A mom of a middle-schooler complains about her child yelling, even though she always responds to him when he does.
 
It boils down to this: You dug the grave, so now you’re going to have to dig your way out of it. As much as your teen may insist that video games and ipods are necessities, the truth of the matter is that these are privileges. And privileges are earned, not doled out.
 
Begin by setting up time limits—begin somewhere reasonable, such as only an hour or two a day. Then be firm and consistent about enforcing these limitations.
 
As time goes on, you may want to cut him back even further. I may be a bit extreme, but we only allow access to video games for a few hours on the weekend, and even then, it has to be earned by doing household chores and keeping up grades.
 
It’s going to be tough, but stick to your guns. Your son will appreciate it later in life (much later in life).
 
 Hannah’s Quick Tip: Instead of expensive lip balm, try using plain old shortening. It’s just as moisturizing and way cheaper

Hannah Keeley is an author, television personality and founder of the website, TotalMom.com. She lives with her husband and seven children in Chesterfield County.

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