growing up online by Carolyn Jabs

Don’t Raise a Cyber-Bully The Golden Rule Still Rules, Even Online

No parent plans to raise an unkind, much less a cruel, child. In fact, most of us put considerable effort into polishing our children’s manners and teaching them to respect other people.
Still, there’s mounting evidence that much of that careful training goes missing once kids get online.
Recent research by the Pew Internet and American Life Project reported that one in three teens report being harassed by their peers online. Girls were more likely to be bullied online than boys, and those who posted their thoughts were more vulnerable than those who kept a low profile.
Our culture, as a whole, is going through a rude and disrespectful era, a problem that seems to be amplified in cyberspace. To a large extent, civility can be restored only when individuals commit themselves to respectful communication that goes both ways. That means disengaging from conversations and even communities in which abusive language is the norm.
It also means teaching kids what respectful communication looks like, especially online. Here are some principles parents should discuss early and often.

No slurs of any kind—ever.
Make it clear through your rules and your own habits that you have zero tolerance for words that denigrate people because of their race, sex, ethnicity, disability or sexual orientation.

The pain of others isn’t funny.
Steer kids away from television shows, movies and online videos that ask them to override their natural feelings of compassion and laugh at someone else’s misfortune.

Don’t spread rumors.
Teach kids not to repeat—or forward—unkind things they hear about other people.

Appreciate privacy.
Help your child understand that a message or photo sent by a friend should be treated as confidential. Online communication should not be forwarded or posted without permission from the person who originated it.

No tantrums.
Offline, if your child doesn’t like something another person does or says, they can express their opinion but they aren’t allowed to scream and curse. A dispute online is no different. No ranting. No offensive language. No personal attacks.

Be careful about humor.
Offline, sarcastic comments are often accompanied by a smile or a laugh so the other person knows you’re not serious. Online, it’s much harder to differentiate between a comment that’s meant to be funny and one that should be taken seriously. Emoticons, those little “faces” made from punctuation, help but even they can be misinterpreted.

Think twice about insults.
Everyone seems to use them as a way of being clever. Some parents even tease their kids with put-downs. The question we all have to consider is why it’s amusing to undermine another person’s self-esteem.

Don’t press send.
A time-honored way of venting is to write a nasty letter—and then tear it up. Suggest that when your child is upset with someone online, he or she write out the hostile feelings and then press delete instead of send. That way, he or she releases the emotion without hurting anyone else.

Perhaps the most helpful thing parents can do is to help children visualize the person on the other end of online communication. Imagine saying the same thing face to face. What feelings would the other person have? What expressions would be on his or her face?
Now, ask your child to turn the conversation around. What if another person said to you what you were thinking about writing in an IM or posting on a MySpace page? How would you feel? What would you want to do?
These questions are, of course, a new way of getting kids to think about the very ancient and universal moral rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This simple principle survives because it helps people recognize cruelty and practice kindness, two capabilities that are every bit as crucial online as they are in the three-dimensional world.

Carolyn Jabs is a former contributing editor for Family PC and mother of three computer-savvy kids. She can be reached on her website www.growing-up-online.com or by e-mail at carolynjabs@carolynjabs.com.