the frumpy zone by colleen r. lee  

Warning: The following topic is very disgusting, particularly if you don’t have kids.

In the Frumpy Zone, September means more than back to school. It means the end of those schedule-free days. No more late nights and lazy mornings. And most importantly, with the re-entrance into school and daycare, September means the start of The Pathogen Parade. From mid-September to mid-June, my family will be attacked by every germ, parasite and microbe known to man.

Mid-September
Back to School Bacteria
Three children—three weeks of strep throat.

November
Seasonal Sinus Invasion
The start of the Great
Phlegm War.

December
Virus Vacation
Our family felled in a single blow by the Virulent Vomiting Virus.

January
Recurring Ear Infections
Every month until June

March, April, May
Phlegm Fighters
Dripping noses, oozing eyes, clogged ears.

June
Vomit Coughing
After 48 hours of changing sheets and washing towels, my husband and I became professional vomit catchers. I became so adept at cleaning up projectile vomiting that after my four-year-old threw up all over me at the doctor’s office, the nurse didn’t even notice.
Year-Round
Weekly Paranoia Lice Check

As I say good-bye to the germ-free, healthy days of summer, I shudder at the thought of another school year in The Pathogen Parade. I’m working on new legislation requiring a public school uniform: little surgical masks, shower caps and latex gloves so that no child will be left behind…sick at home

Check out The Frumpy Housewife’s new blog

at http://www.thefrumpyzone.blogspot.com Don’t worry—it doesn’t have any mysterious, Tupperware-encased, green fuzzy lumps on the bottom shelf.  If you have any comments for The Frumpy Housewife, email her at frumpyzone@gmail.com.

Richmond-area writer and teacher Colleen R. Lee lives with her husband and three kids in the Frumpy Zone. She is currently working on her book, “Confessions of a Frumpy Housewife.”